The Near Enemies Of Compassion
Category: Buddhist Path | Love & Compassion Meditation | Recent Meditation Posts
There’s a difference between compassion and pity. Pity is often referred to as the near enemy of compassion, as it doesn’t help us feel better. Understanding compassion’s near enemies can help you practice genuine compassion and reduce suffering in the world, as you intend to do.
What are Near And Far Enemies?
Buddhism describes every virtue as having both a far and near enemy. If we are to understand compassion as an action taken to minimize suffering, then cruelty, a provocation of suffering, is compassion’s far enemy, its opposite. The near enemy concept describes a look-alike virtue. A near enemy may, at first, feel similar to the desired good quality, but it actually undermines it.
Among the near enemies of awakening, pity is the near enemy of compassion. On the surface, its expression feels very similar to compassion. However, pity has a quality of condescension to it. To pity someone is to express a type of sorrow that is absent of genuine empathy. In the end, the suffering person who was given pity versus compassion feels worse and not better.
The person who expresses pity over genuine compassion may not be doing so intentionally. In fact, they may feel like their expression of pity is compassionate behavior. So, how can we avoid this? We can better align our actions with our intent by bringing mindfulness and awareness to our emotional responses and what genuine compassion entails.
Feeling the Openness of Compassion
Compassion is a response to suffering, driven by the innate desire to lessen suffering, a quality we all share. Compassion may be expressed silently in the form of a wish (may you be safe and healthy). We can also share compassion in the form of words or actions. Self-compassion is this same wish to minimize pain, only directed toward ourselves.
There are three primary components of compassion. The first is referred to as mindfulness, or awareness of our experience. To share compassion with ourselves or another, we need to bring attention to the truth that suffering is present. Mindfulness has near enemies of its own, which can negatively impact our compassionate response.
Near enemies of mindfulness may include hypervigilance or fault-finding. In this case, we pay attention, but with an anxious or negative affect. The resulting feelings of despair or overwhelm can prevent us from accessing compassion. Another near enemy of mindfulness is indifference or complacency. We recognize suffering, but in a mistaken attempt to feel better, we ignore it or do nothing.
The second component of genuine compassion is the awareness of interdependence. When we remember this truth, we recognize suffering as part of a shared, human experience. We realize none of us can be truly happy or free until we all are, and so we wish others happiness and freedom from their pain.
The most common near enemy of this recognition of our interconnectedness is rooted in the myth of compassion fatigue. If I misunderstand interdependence, I may take on your suffering as my own, overidentifying with your hardship. I become unable to act compassionately, having separated myself from you and prioritizing my pain over yours. As genuine compassion is beyond ego, compassion fatigue is simply not possible—but we can certainly fall victim to pity fatigue.
We can also mistake interdependence for sameness. Suffering can get bypassed or dismissed when we say things like, “We’re all one” or “Everybody hurts.” While true at some level, no two experiences are the same, because no two people experience things exactly the same way.
The third component of compassion is taking action. Action, in this case, can include thoughts, words or actual deeds. Lack of awareness, despair, sorrow and sameness can stand in the way of taking action.
Meanwhile, when we act by expressing our despair, sadness or pity, we often contribute to one’s pain versus lessening it. “There’s just nothing I can do. I’m so sorry for you. What a shame.” None of those responses feel good.
Often, the person who responds with a near enemy is simply protecting themselves from their own pain. To truly practice genuine compassion we must open our hearts to the experience of suffering. We can only respond compassionately to another to the extent that we’re capable of doing the same for ourselves.
How to Be Genuinely Compassionate
Genuine compassion prioritizes the object of our compassion. It is a selfless, “How can I help you?” response, even if directed inward in an act of self-compassion. Near enemies protect me first. They maintain my sense of self as separate from you, reinforcing a mistaken world view.
To move toward authentic compassion we benefit from mindfulness and awareness practices. We can learn to allow for and accept each moment, just as it is, even if uncomfortable. We can practice presence with our own feelings of discomfort and pain. We can also practice expressing true compassion for both ourselves and others, in the form of a wish, kind words, or meritorious deeds. There is no shortage of opportunity to practice meeting each moment with open, genuine care.
